The story of how and why Kicking The Darkness was written and published is unconventional in every way.  The original motivation was ignited when I experienced a massive heart attack in March 2017 and ended up in the hospital for three days.  The first two days were basically 48 hours of suspended animation where I lay in wait for the medical system specialists to return to work on Monday.

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During the overnight periods when I was alone, my mind was racing with so many different thoughts.  I wasn't sure if I was even going to survive, so it felt like I was experiencing the proverbial "life flashing before my eyes" moments, but in slow motion because they would last throughout the whole night.  Many of the memories were of a childhood that was full of dysfunction, violence and instability which brought about one big regret that I was feeling and couldn't escape.

 

I had always planned on doing some kind of advocacy work in memory of my older brother Eric, who I felt suffered terribly because of the childhood trauma we experienced, and ultimately cost him his life when he committed suicide in 1991.  But it now appeared that I might have lost that opportunity because I always put it off for another day, and there was no guarantee I'd have many more of those.

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But I was very fortunate that I was given a gift of many more days, and I immediately began writing down ideas on my tablet as soon as I was physically able to.  In the beginning, I wrote about my most recent health crisis because it was so fresh in my mind and I was still living through it.  My initial thought was that maybe I could submit an article to various heart health organizations for online consumption.   But once I finished chronicling my heart attack experience, I started writing down various recollections of my childhood in the hopes that I could eventually touch upon my brother's life and death. 

 

Eventually, my strength and health improved to the point that I could sit up and use my desktop computer.  This was much more efficient because one of the best things I ever did in my life was to enrol in a grade nine typing class, which I excelled at and never lost the touch.  This had served me well through the years because I could easily bang out ninety words a minute when I got going, and it was at this time when the realization first hit me that I should write an entire book.  I envisioned a memoir that chronicled much of the adversity I and some of my close relatives had experienced in life, and an inner drive pushed me to keep writing.  Eventually I found the writing experience very cathartic, because it helped me to reconcile some emotional baggage that I was carrying from the most recent events of my life. 

 

It sounds ridiculous, but I initially harboured a lot of anger and shame because of my heart attack.  I couldn't understand how it was possible that a person who had exercised and lived a healthy lifestyle could suffer the indignity of experiencing a heart attack.  Through the writing process, I not only came to terms with the fact I had a heart attack but eventually came to realize that my lifestyle choices had paid huge dividends because they positively affected my ability to survive it.  

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By the time I finished writing the first draft of my memoir, I realized that it actually served a selfish purpose without me even intending or expecting it to.  It helped me to reconcile a lot of negative experiences that I had lived through and turn them into positives, because I was seeing life through a different lens now after experiencing a life threatening situation.

 

I could have merely stopped any book plans right there because I was rewarded with this unexpected consequence.  But the truth is that during the overnight periods of isolation in the hospital, I experienced a strong sense of regret that was so disturbing that I knew I couldn't fake it.  Even though I had absolutely no idea how I would ever bring a book to fruition...I knew I had to try.  I also knew that the attempt had to be sincere , because the next time I was facing my own demise I didn't want to feel the same sense of regret.  In the end, I put in a lot of effort to ensure that Kicking The Darkness came to life to ensure I met an obligation that I placed upon myself.

 

At the end of the exhaustive process, I was content in knowing that my memoir is a positive statement that is intended to serve as a warning and an inspiration.  It demonstrates that life can be tragically unfair, but that it can also turn on a dime and become tremendously satisfying in ways that are impossible to predict or imagine. 

 

​It is ultimately a statement of hope!  My sincere hope is that it touches every person who reads it in a positive way and helps them deal with the adversity in their life.  I soon discovered after the release that there would be a number of different ways that I could continue my advocacy work working alongside a number of organizations who are committed to the same goals of spreading valuable information that is intended to help people.

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